Winter Solstice and Memories

This week I decided to empty the loft. It’s only very small, packed in well with a sprinkling of dust…but this was no fairy dust, it was the result of a new roof 13 years ago. So this leaves 2 questions, why on earth was it in there while the roof was being replaced and secondly, if its been in there for 13 years, do i really need it?

Lofts remind me of the space were we keep our deepest memories – as I get older, my memories are sometimes blurred but not forgotten. The detail in the images are not as clear, like dirty windows, a little bit of effort is often needed to get myself into a position where there feels like there is no barrier between the outside and the inside – when the windows are clean…the path is clear.

Having a clear path to my memories, is tainted with an un-even pavement littered with rubbish: regrets, unfulfilled ambitions and sadness. Sadness that one day my path will come to an end and i won’t have achieved everything I want to do in my lifetime. I don’t believe in anything beyond the life we have now, so that itch has to be scratched.

And this is where the problem lies, on my path there is a bloody great big traffic jam…with little attention to the up keep of the lights, they have failed and I now find that there are so many directions blocked by other vehicles…one stream of traffic wants to get away on their holidays to exotic places, another is rushing to beat the seasonal weather with a boot full of compost, another spends time checking their watches and cursing the failure of the system and then there is the last stream of traffic on my crossroads. The one where they get out of the car, take the opportunity to experience something that may never happen again…

…time and space does not stay still and wait, it flows constantly through our bones.

I think my memories are sometimes blurred because I have moved so quickly, I haven’t given the time to moments in my life that seem superficial, unimportant or a waste of time, like a traffic jam. But I am beginning to realise, that even traffic jams have there worth.

And I know that is easy for me to say when I don’t currently have to get anywhere for 8:30 every weekday…

This morning I can see the reflection of the christmas tree in the window. Outside it is dark, I hear the occasional car pass by, one of the dogs is snoring and intermittently the wind pushes the rain, just long enough for it to sound like a tap on the window. The house creaks as it begins to warm up and little sighs of satisfaction come from the radiators. Where last night the fire cracked, there is a slight smell of soot…it’s dark and uninviting, the light of day brings shade. I can smell orange on my fingers…i take a deep breath and let the air out slowly and smile…

…happiness should be easy but I think it has to be worked at…it can’t be bought, given as a present or taken. It’s the little moments that I need to appreciate…today it’s an early morning coffee, the dogs snuggled up with me on the sofa, the rain falling outside and 30 minutes of memories…blurred or not, they are mine and can’t be changed, so I cope with the ones I don’t care to remember, but smile at the ones that i do…


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